20240720 Polyamory / ethical non-monogamy

I recently prepared some notes for a talk about polyamory aka ENM (ethical non-monogamy). Here are some excerpts. This is not a HOWTO, just my take on a few things. Basics like explicit and honest communication are assumed.

During my monogamous relationships I was faithful by the usual meaning of that word. During my poly relationships I was and remain faithful—that word meaning all partners are aware of one another, and I have explicit agreements with each and behave accordingly.

I don't do hierarchy, but I recognize each relationship has different areas in which we are closer based on our natures and accumulated experience together. I'm a relationship descriptivist rather than prescriptivist.

One of the characteristics of my neurodivergence is that I don't experience jealousy. I do, sometimes, experience slight envy in that I wish I could do the thing my partner is doing (usually it's travel because I don't have much flexibility in that area). But I'm still genuinely happy they're doing it.

My poly orientation hasn't much changed over time, but earlier I was much more apt to lose myself in my partner(s). This is part of why exercise of autonomy has felt so important in more recent relationships. I set forth these limits:

• While the opinions of my loved ones carry great weight with me, and I carefully consider their concerns and advice—no one can veto, control, or guide any of my relationships; nor can they specify how I allocate my time, energy, or other resources. I am responsible for my life balance; I can choose to share myself in any manner with any person or organization I find worthy of attention, while honoring agreements and otherwise maintaining integrity and quality engagement with existing partners.

• While partners are committed to and support one another, ultimately we are each responsible for ourselves. We can work together; we can comfort, aid, nurture, and advise—but not directly fix anything for another.

• Everything is available for review and adjustment.

My top three "pros" of being poly:

③ I feel fully accepted in my own nature, with no tension or guilt about it;

② I don't have to be "everything" to anyone; on a related note:

① I appreciate variety, with unique types of engagement and understanding of one another.

My top three "cons" of being poly:

③ Occasionally the lack of continuity is a bit disorienting: the dropping into and out of my various partner's streams of events. None of us text each other a lot (which is actually a relief because I don't have the capacity for that).

② With three partners, each averaging 1.5-2 dates per week, I have limited evenings to parcel out for other socialization or self-time (the self-time usually wins out).

And the # ① con of poly also happens to be a pro: I am fully aware there is no guarantee of permanence—but guess what? There is no guarantee of that in a mono relationship. I believe it's the quality of engagement that matters, more than the elapsed time. It's a sobering thing to keep in mind, but also reminds me to be the best partner I can be in whatever time we have.